With him

I think I want you more than want
And no I need you more than need
I want to hold you more than hold
When you stood in front of me

-The Script

Each day he looks at me the same way.  Wheather I have jeans and no makeup on or if I have a dress it doesn’t matter.  His eyes are always wide and looking deep into mine as if he is searching for something in my soul.  When he looks at me a million thoughts run through my mind.

I often think about dancing in his garage with no music.  Being held so close and spun around.  His lips kissing my hand after our feet stopped moving.   I think about all of the times he whispered “I love you” into my ears knowing I wouldn’t have said that I love him too.  I think about all of the unexpected hugs and all the times he picked me up with excitement.

I wish that each time I saw him I could run into his arms and stay there for hours.  Time seems to stand still in the moments that I spend wrapped up in him and I wish it would.

It’s been too long since I’ve felt like I could tell anyone as much as I tell him.  But I vent to him and he keeps a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.  And believe me, I’ve needed it a lot lately.  It’s so nice to know that no matter how crazy my life gets he wants to be there each step of the way.

He would give anything to keep me happy 24/7.  And he knows that I would do the same for him. Unfortunately, I don’t have much to give so all I give him is the bits of time that I have.

We are thinking about working together soon.  And I am so excited.  He is so good with technology and so he can make labels and tags for my products.  I’m super excited to share this experience with him.

I hope he knows how happy he makes me.  I hope he sees it in my eyes just like I see it in his.

~Colorful Daydreamer

 

 

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Boys like him

Who make sure you sleep well

Who prove each and every day

That you are dear to them

Who always hold you when you cry

How lucky am I?

To have a boy like him.

He reads me the words I love most

Poetry that reminds him of us

He envisions a future

One I would love to share with him

How lucky could anyone be?

To have a boy like him

From the warm coffee and hug in the morning

To the sweet kiss goodbye at the end of the day

From the “Good morning love”

To the “Sweet dreams only”

I feel so full of love

I’m so lucky

Because there’s no boys like him

 

Crazy

I sit alone in my room to thinking about everything.  I recently left her.  Something I promised her and myself that I wouldn’t do.

But since I’ve left weird things have been happening. Her ex-boyfriend has been talking to me.  The absolute last person that I really want to talk to. Well second to last.

He thinks I’ve forgiven him.  And that things are 100% between us.  Truth is that they will never be.  Because I haven’t forgiven him.

He tells me things that I don’t want to hear.  Like the fact that she’s pissed at me.  And the fact that he still loves her.  He tells me about all the times drugs have made him scream her name.

He talks about the awful bus rides.  Where she talks about her current boyfriend.  He tells me about how awful he feels.  He talks about missing her and needing her.  He says stuff about how he understands how I must feel.  But the truth is he doesn’t…

I just hope that she never goes back to him… Because I couldn’t watch what she did to herself then and I couldn’t imagine now.

I left because when she and her ex-were still together I made mistakes due to how I felt.  I left because I love her more than she loves me…too much more. And she has proved that…

For the past 5 months, I’ve noticed that the mention of her boyfriend’s name was sickening.  I felt myself not wanting her around because she’d talk about him.  But of course, I felt guilty for not being supportive.

So when the knots in my chest tightened and my head would spin just looking at her I had to go.

I felt really bad at first but I regret it less and less.  The more I hear about what she tells other people the more I think that staying was a bad idea. I’m more upset about giving up on the future than I am about leaving what we had.

She asked if there was a chance that we could be friends if she and her boyfriend are dating.  I never answered because I was scared of her response.

But the answer is no.  And that’s why I left because I didn’t want to impact their relationship.  I was done with giving her my opinions on the matters because I felt they were ignored or told to the wrong people.  The words I told her in confidence went in and out of the mouths and ears of her friends.

I’ve tried talking to her.  I’ve tried to make things right.  I’ve tried to put things back.  But I can’t.  He his still an issue for me.  I said I wasn’t mad but maybe I am.

Then people have said that he has been so annoying to everybody since I’ve left.  DOES HE NOT KNOW THAT I LEFT FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS RELATIONSHIP? He should be GRATEFUL that I left.  And you know what? I bet he is.  I wonder if he even knows that he’s the reason I left.  I wonder if he knows any of the reasons.  Probably not.  He probably doesn’t even care.

I know that I won’t be gone forever but for now, this is the road I have to take.

~Colorful Daydreamer

The conversation

(Between my mother and I)

“I have to say, I’m disappointed.”

“Im sorry.  Things are just complicated..”

“Not in you my darling…But in her”

“Oh..?”

“I can’t say that I blame your decision.  And clearly talking about it with her is not going to help.”

“Yeah”

“How are you feeling?”

“Eh”

At this point of the conversation I had no idea what to say.  Because the expected answer is so much different than my own.  I’m not sad…I haven’t been.  I don’t miss her.  And I wish that I did.  I miss how we used to be..all those years ago.  Before falling in love..before letting go.

But now this is just the usual.  Just the frustration.  I’m frustrated because after all this time she still doesn’t know why I’ve done what I’ve done.  I’m not going to tell her.  Because if I do she will “forget” and my words will become just a vague memory of my own like they do again and again.

If she thought I was the sun…theres no question that I’m now the thunder that rolls over her home. Causing her to hide.

D i s t a n c e

She’s happy.  I’m happy.  That’s how it works.  Or that’s how it’s supposed to….

He says,

“Hey since we are friends…

…I still have feelings for you…

…I’ve really missed you”

She knows…

She says,

“if he doesn’t admit to it

he can be single”

I guess can doesn’t mean will.

Yet, here lies my problem.  I can’t say anything.  Because then it would be my fault if anything happened.  And we’ve been down this road.  Our friends like him.  I mean sure he can be mean but why can’t I be as forgiving as them?  Why do I keep drawing lines?

I say nothing.  I sit with earbuds in.  This isn’t the first time.  Remember “Here I am”? Remember my last post?  I’ve written about him too.  Remember “Your apologies are meaningless along with your promises”?

I’ve been taking the long way to get places so we don’t cross paths.  I act like I don’t hear or see her.  “Maybe she won’t notice me if I act like I don’t notice her.” “Maybe she’ll give up if I ignore her.”

I barely said two words to her in the past week.  I’ve tried to avoid conversations at all cost.  The only time that I have felt okay to talk was this past weekend where I was too wrapped up in other stress to even think about talking about what is going on.

What is going on? really.. Just a bit of stress that I’ll get over?  Or is it a grudge that I’m holding for too long? Maybe it’s both.

I didn’t sit next to her today if I weren’t so close she wouldn’t have realized that we were in the same place.  It took her minutes for her to see me.  When I went to leave of course she offered me things.  But I don’t need anything.  If she made me anything I would probably crumble in guilt.

I’ve been giving her short answers that are only a few letters or words.  Usually, we see each other before lunch but now I make plans to be elsewhere.

I keep telling myself that it’ll blow over like it always does.  But has it ever really blown over? I guess I might just get to a point where I can push it away.

My artwork has been showing my feelings.  Using quotes from the sad songs we listen to and displaying them with symbols of us.  I use color to stand for the happiness I paint on and the picture to express how I really feel.  If the picture has no color it just means that I didn’t act to feel like I was in a different mood.

I wish things could be easier.  I wish I wasn’t so worried about our friendship.  Maybe that would make it easier to talk to her.

I haven’t lied to her before.  And I don’t want to.  I don’t want to say “I’m okay” when I’m really not.  I want to tell her what’s wrong.  In fact, I want to scream it until tears are running down our faces.  I want to run and throw herself into her as if she would absorb my feelings and understand.  But she may never understand…

~Colorful Daydreamer

Password hint: tags

Why

Why do you ask if I’m okay?

I’m just going to say that I am

though my heart is slowly breaking

Why do I avoid you?

“I’m busy that day” when I have no plans

I don’t respond to your messages “I was busy then too”

Why does seeing you hurt?

You’re practically my sibling

Yet sometimes when I need you most I don’t want to talk.

Why can’t you see?

You might be slowly losing me

-Colorful Daydreamer

They can’t know

This is my house

Has been for years

The house on the lake

Where there shouldn’t be fears

Yes we have good times but they can’t know about the other times
They can’t know

That the other one’s home

The one that’s welcoming and filled with laughter

The one where I ACTUALLY feel cared for
And they can’t know

What happens at night

The nightmares that wake me up

The tears that hurt my eyes the panic attacks that make even my soul shake

If I said anything to him he’d only blame himself
And they can’t know

Because they’d get upset

Because I’m overreacting

Because I “seem fine all day”
And they can’t know
I only come to see him

I find myself getting weaker when we are all spending time together

I go to my room to escape them

This is my house

Has been for years

The house on the lake

Where there shouldn’t be fears

Yes we have good times but they can’t know about the other times

And they can’t know that I’m writing this right now
-Colorful Daydreamer