Crazy

I sit alone in my room to thinking about everything.  I recently left her.  Something I promised her and myself that I wouldn’t do.

But since I’ve left weird things have been happening. Her ex-boyfriend has been talking to me.  The absolute last person that I really want to talk to. Well second to last.

He thinks I’ve forgiven him.  And that things are 100% between us.  Truth is that they will never be.  Because I haven’t forgiven him.

He tells me things that I don’t want to hear.  Like the fact that she’s pissed at me.  And the fact that he still loves her.  He tells me about all the times drugs have made him scream her name.

He talks about the awful bus rides.  Where she talks about her current boyfriend.  He tells me about how awful he feels.  He talks about missing her and needing her.  He says stuff about how he understands how I must feel.  But the truth is he doesn’t…

I just hope that she never goes back to him… Because I couldn’t watch what she did to herself then and I couldn’t imagine now.

I left because when she and her ex-were still together I made mistakes due to how I felt.  I left because I love her more than she loves me…too much more. And she has proved that…

For the past 5 months, I’ve noticed that the mention of her boyfriend’s name was sickening.  I felt myself not wanting her around because she’d talk about him.  But of course, I felt guilty for not being supportive.

So when the knots in my chest tightened and my head would spin just looking at her I had to go.

I felt really bad at first but I regret it less and less.  The more I hear about what she tells other people the more I think that staying was a bad idea. I’m more upset about giving up on the future than I am about leaving what we had.

She asked if there was a chance that we could be friends if she and her boyfriend are dating.  I never answered because I was scared of her response.

But the answer is no.  And that’s why I left because I didn’t want to impact their relationship.  I was done with giving her my opinions on the matters because I felt they were ignored or told to the wrong people.  The words I told her in confidence went in and out of the mouths and ears of her friends.

I’ve tried talking to her.  I’ve tried to make things right.  I’ve tried to put things back.  But I can’t.  He his still an issue for me.  I said I wasn’t mad but maybe I am.

Then people have said that he has been so annoying to everybody since I’ve left.  DOES HE NOT KNOW THAT I LEFT FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS RELATIONSHIP? He should be GRATEFUL that I left.  And you know what? I bet he is.  I wonder if he even knows that he’s the reason I left.  I wonder if he knows any of the reasons.  Probably not.  He probably doesn’t even care.

I know that I won’t be gone forever but for now, this is the road I have to take.

~Colorful Daydreamer

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Appreciated

“Cause it’s you, who, takes care of everyone else. You, need to allow me to help, you Ohh, appreciated-Cause it’s you who somehow is always the first, to, take care of me at my worst. You are appreciated”~Appreciated by Rixton

I know to think that you  aren’t.  I know you think that people don’t care about you.  But people do…do.  I can’t even express it.  I hope you know that you are much more than a face in the crowd or an acquaintance.  You are someone who I’ve been lucky enough to get to know.

I know that people always go to you for help.  And you always help because you care.  You can always see when other people are upset.  You always lend your hand even if both of them are tied.  And yet when your smile is a shield and, your laugh is a scream people don’t notice.  But I’ll be here. As long as you want.

I know that I’m an awkward person that never knows what to say.  But I want you to know that there is so much you do for people.

Thank you.  Who knows where we’d be if we didn’t know of each other’s existence.  I can’t believe how understanding you are.  When I do something stupid you laugh.  When I say something crazy you respond as if it’s totally normal.

I know that I’m crazy cheesy.  But I hope the words you read from me help with the pain of your hardest days.  I know how difficult it is to ask for help from someone or to talk to somebody.  But you are never a bother.  I always want to talk and I don’t care what it is we talk about.

I know how much you wish you could catch everybody as they fall.  I know that you stretch yourself so far.

I hope you know how much you are worth.  Even if it’s just for a few little moments.

~Colorful Daydreamer

Quote response?(Somebody Else)

I’m responding to the song “Somebody Else” by The 1975 as a quote today.

I think this song is so great.  Definitely one of my newest songs I play on repeat ALL THE TIME! This song is one of many on a private playlist I made.

I think that everyone can relate to this song.  Especially if somebody broke up with you for someone else.  Because you don’t want them back but it hurts so badly to see them with that person.  Even if you don’t have the same feelings for that person that you once did.

I’ve been dealing with a ton of anxiety over the past few weeks because of my most recent breakup.  Mostly because of how much I regret.  But most of all because I’m supposed to be happy.  Because we both have somebody else.  And she is happy.

I am happy.  There are so many things that are going on in my life that I’m thankful and excited for.

I have a boyfriend now.  He is so sweet.  He holds me closer than I’ve ever been. He tells me the cheesiest things. (And that’s coming from me!)  His hand in mine is the only thing that holds me together some days.  His eyes are the most beautiful blue I’ve ever seen.

But what if this is just psychological projection.  What if I don’t actually feel what I feel for him.   It feels so real.  But there’s that voice in my head saying “but what if it’s not?”  I really care about him and I don’t know what I’d do without him at this point.

As I write this my hands become shaky, my heart begins to race, there is a rock sitting in my throat, I can feel the goosebumps on my arms and my stomach is turning.  She will see this soon they both will.  All the people I don’t want to see this will see this but they all deserve the truth.  And I know I will be more than embarrassed.  Because what I felt for her was real.  And what she felt for me just…was not.

I’m afraid of what they will think.  Will they talk about it?  What will they say?  Will they laugh?  I don’t really want to know.

I just don’t know how to feel at this point.  I probably will avoid people all day.  Except for my best friend.  Because I’m not afraid of saying the wrong thing to her.  Because she is the best and respects what I think even when she probably shouldn’t.

~Colorful Daydreamer

A thank you to my bestfriend

This is a song for my best friend. I love her unlike I’ve loved anyone.  I guess you could call us soulmates.  Not in a romantic sense.  We have an unbreakable bond. She is there to tell me I’m beautiful when I feel like crap.  She is there to tell me when I look crazy.  Or when I’m doing something absolutely stupid.  But usually, I end up convincing her to join in.

I don’t know where I’d be without her.  I didn’t realize how incomplete my life was until she came into my life.  I realized that if you have one truly amazing friend you don’t need anybody else.  And through each hard time she has reminded me of that. We spent time apart and we both have come to the conclusion that if we spent any longer apart it would be our emotional doom.

She is there through every heartbreak.  When I went through my last break up she gave me her shoulder to cry on and her ears to vent to.  She is there when I don’t feel like I’m worthy of life.

Just spending time with her makes me feel like every piece of me finally is being held together.  She is there when I need her and when I don’t.  I know that she would do anything for me.  And I hope she knows I’d do anything for her.

People constantly say “The best part about…is…”  I think the best part about my best friend is that there is so one part that is the best.  I simply can’t pick one.  I think that her imperfections are some of her greatest qualities.  Not because I think they are beautiful but some of them make me smile just because they belong to my best friend.

I hope she knows that she always has my shoulder.

If you haven’t today, thank your best friend.  Just for being just that, your best friend.

~Colorful Daydreamer

 

 

 

“Willow Tree”

“I’m a twisted willow tree.  Tear off my leaves.  Break off my branches.  Cut me down into pieces. Set me on fire, until there’s nothing left.  Now bury the ashes, just give it some time, and do it all over again.”  This is a poem called “Willow Tree” by a fellow WordPress blogger, To: No One and Everyone.  I think this is a well-written poem so I decided to share it with you.
 

I have been reading from this page for quite some time and thought that “Willow Tree” was quite relatable.  I believe that everybody has felt that they get slowly picked apart and that once they are feeling better about their life they get picked apart yet again.  This has happened to me many times.  I think the metaphors in this piece explain things perfectly.

I disagree with the statement “people do that to you because you let them.” (which has been commented on some of my posts before and is not something stated within any of To:No One And Everyone’s posts.) Sticking up for myself has always been a weak point of mine.  When people take advantage of me yes I do “let them” I guess.  Because what is my happiness worth?  A lot…to someone I’m sure.  But making others happy makes me happy…until they leave me behind. But then somebody else comes into my life.  They say they “need me” So of course, I help. But then they are satisfied.  So they leave with a simple “Goodbye”.

Although this happens to me I still stay positive and optimistic.  I think my next response will be titled “The Happy Girl”

Thank you, To: No One And Everyone for writing this piece and reminding me that I am not alone.

~Colorful Daydreamer

 

The date that will never be mine

Today I was asked to describe the most romantic night.  So because I’m sappier than a maple tree I made this blog post.

I get home to a note that says “meet me on the beach just before sundown.” I quickly change out of my work clothes and put on a light dress. 

I arrive at the beach just before sunset.  The sun collides with the curling ocean waves and the stars begin to shine.  I can feel the soft sand between my toes with every step as we walk.  Butterflies take over my stomach as our fingers weave together.  The gentle sea breeze runs through our hair.  We turn to face each other a warm hand touches my back.  All of a sudden I’m aware of the space between us and how badly I want it to disappear.  Yet I find myself unable to move.  Closer now and breathless, a long gaze makes my heart skip.  A long gaze turns into a kiss and I’m unable to feel the ground.  My skin runs hot with every gentle touch.  And each thought that was running through my mind is a blur.

I know this story doesn’t have an ending but I think that I’ll leave it up to you so you can make this perfect to you.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover”

A shy girl walks into a room full of strangers wearing a short red dress and a leather jacket.  The strangers say she’s a whore.  A prostitute walks in the same room with sweatpants and sweatshirt. The strangers say she’s careless.  A boy wearing pink walks into the room. The strangers say he’s gay.

In this analogy the strangers are society.  Society has told us that revealing or tight clothes are worn by prostitutes and that sweatpants and sweatshirts are worn by people that don’t care about their appearance. Society tells us that men wearing pink are “gay”.  Society tells us that beauty is what you see in the mirror, not what you think.  

But what society doesn’t tell us is that labels are made when somebody judges a person by what they see on the outside, because people who label others look at their bodies, not inside of their minds.  People make these judgments in the first 3-30 seconds of seeing others.  What society doesn’t tell us, is that no matter how much information we have, all we have is the cover.  Some people just let you see more of their cover than others do. 

The book lies underneath all the words that are heard, everything the person does, and what is beneath the clothes they are wearing. The book holds what the person can’t describe, the feelings they can’t express, and the thoughts that can’t be said.  The book is everything that we can’t see or hear.

Labels say more about the person giving them than the person being labeled. I hope this has brought a new perspective to mind. Or was a simple reminder that you are beautiful no matter what society tells you.