D i s t a n c e

She’s happy.  I’m happy.  That’s how it works.  Or that’s how it’s supposed to….

He says,

“Hey since we are friends…

…I still have feelings for you…

…I’ve really missed you”

She knows…

She says,

“if he doesn’t admit to it

he can be single”

I guess can doesn’t mean will.

Yet, here lies my problem.  I can’t say anything.  Because then it would be my fault if anything happened.  And we’ve been down this road.  Our friends like him.  I mean sure he can be mean but why can’t I be as forgiving as them?  Why do I keep drawing lines?

I say nothing.  I sit with earbuds in.  This isn’t the first time.  Remember “Here I am”? Remember my last post?  I’ve written about him too.  Remember “Your apologies are meaningless along with your promises”?

I’ve been taking the long way to get places so we don’t cross paths.  I act like I don’t hear or see her.  “Maybe she won’t notice me if I act like I don’t notice her.” “Maybe she’ll give up if I ignore her.”

I barely said two words to her in the past week.  I’ve tried to avoid conversations at all cost.  The only time that I have felt okay to talk was this past weekend where I was too wrapped up in other stress to even think about talking about what is going on.

What is going on? really.. Just a bit of stress that I’ll get over?  Or is it a grudge that I’m holding for too long? Maybe it’s both.

I didn’t sit next to her today if I weren’t so close she wouldn’t have realized that we were in the same place.  It took her minutes for her to see me.  When I went to leave of course she offered me things.  But I don’t need anything.  If she made me anything I would probably crumble in guilt.

I’ve been giving her short answers that are only a few letters or words.  Usually, we see each other before lunch but now I make plans to be elsewhere.

I keep telling myself that it’ll blow over like it always does.  But has it ever really blown over? I guess I might just get to a point where I can push it away.

My artwork has been showing my feelings.  Using quotes from the sad songs we listen to and displaying them with symbols of us.  I use color to stand for the happiness I paint on and the picture to express how I really feel.  If the picture has no color it just means that I didn’t act to feel like I was in a different mood.

I wish things could be easier.  I wish I wasn’t so worried about our friendship.  Maybe that would make it easier to talk to her.

I haven’t lied to her before.  And I don’t want to.  I don’t want to say “I’m okay” when I’m really not.  I want to tell her what’s wrong.  In fact, I want to scream it until tears are running down our faces.  I want to run and throw herself into her as if she would absorb my feelings and understand.  But she may never understand…

~Colorful Daydreamer

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They can’t know

This is my house

Has been for years

The house on the lake

Where there shouldn’t be fears

Yes we have good times but they can’t know about the other times
They can’t know

That the other one’s home

The one that’s welcoming and filled with laughter

The one where I ACTUALLY feel cared for
And they can’t know

What happens at night

The nightmares that wake me up

The tears that hurt my eyes the panic attacks that make even my soul shake

If I said anything to him he’d only blame himself
And they can’t know

Because they’d get upset

Because I’m overreacting

Because I “seem fine all day”
And they can’t know
I only come to see him

I find myself getting weaker when we are all spending time together

I go to my room to escape them

This is my house

Has been for years

The house on the lake

Where there shouldn’t be fears

Yes we have good times but they can’t know about the other times

And they can’t know that I’m writing this right now
-Colorful Daydreamer

Here I am

I sit next to you

saying nothing

Can I tell you the truth?

Just not all of it

Here I am

I think of something to say

The moment quickly passes

along with my courage

So I just stay where I am

There are no words

Here I am

Sitting

Sitting in one place

Sitting perfectly still

Staring

Staring at nothing

Staring into space

Hoping

Hoping that you notice

Hoping that you do something

Afraid

Afraid of what would happen

Afraid of feeling guilty

Here I am

speechless…

Best friend and Jealousy? (Quote response)

“You should leave him cause he really makes me sick” ~Just Sayin’ By Five Seconds Of Summer

My best friend has been dating my ex-boyfriend for quite some time now.  Yes, I agreed to this but only because I wanted her to realize that just because a person is better than your ex, does not mean they are perfect for you.  But it’s taking her a long time to realize this.

He does treat her well.  But he doesn’t know how to talk to people in a way that isn’t either very offensive or condescending.  I did write a blog post about him a few months ago.  He doesn’t realize that apologies are supposed to mean that you’ll try not to do what you’re apologizing for again and that apologies don’t just make it okay.

I remember her last boyfriend.  How he made her shut me out.  And I know it won’t happen again.  I’m still scared.  It’s difficult because I hate sharing her.  I’m not in love with her or anything but I know how sensitive she is.  And how easy she falls for things.

I wish she knew how difficult it is for me to spend time with them.  I wish she knew that my heart cracks when they kiss but then quickly comes back together when she flashes that same smile I’ve known for years.  I wish that she knew her boyfriend through my eyes.  I wish she knew what she deserves.

He doesn’t know how much she means to me.  He proves that almost every day.  He says that he loves her.  And that hurts too.  Because with every crush he has he tells them that he loves them.  I know that she means it and he might but there’s still a part of me thinking “but does he really?”

I won’t say she deserves me.  Because even I know that there are better people for her than me.  I hope that when she realizes that there are much better people out there than the ones that surround her she still chooses to drag me along to wherever she ends up.

I hope she knows that I love her very much.

~Colorful Daydreamer

 

Beautiful Like You

“And I wish that you could feel it. But you don’t choose to believe it cause I know that you can’t see it that way.”~Beautiful Like You by Lee DeWyze

More often times than not when I call someone beautiful they disagree and then point out all their flaws or things that they don’t like about themselves.

I never said that you’re flawless or that you don’t have insecurities.  I said you were beautiful.  When I tell you that you are beautiful I hope you know that I admire you not only for the things that I think are absolutely perfect about you but I also say it because I know about your flaws.  I have flaws too…Believe me.    

I wish you could look into the mirror and see all the great things that I see when I look at you.  Even if it’s for a few seconds.  I wish that you could believe me when I say “You’re beautiful”.  I really do think so.  I wish I could convince you.  But I know I’ll probably never be able to.  I wish I could show you how amazing you are to me because I know the mirror whispers awful things into your ears.

Stop negatively categorizing yourself or putting a label on what you see because I what I see is you and you are beautiful.

So if I could scream all of this to you I would.  But I can’t so here I am telling the world that I think you are beautiful and leaving them to ask the question “who is this about?”  It’s about you……..

~Colorful Daydreamer

 

Quote response?(Somebody Else)

I’m responding to the song “Somebody Else” by The 1975 as a quote today.

I think this song is so great.  Definitely one of my newest songs I play on repeat ALL THE TIME! This song is one of many on a private playlist I made.

I think that everyone can relate to this song.  Especially if somebody broke up with you for someone else.  Because you don’t want them back but it hurts so badly to see them with that person.  Even if you don’t have the same feelings for that person that you once did.

I’ve been dealing with a ton of anxiety over the past few weeks because of my most recent breakup.  Mostly because of how much I regret.  But most of all because I’m supposed to be happy.  Because we both have somebody else.  And she is happy.

I am happy.  There are so many things that are going on in my life that I’m thankful and excited for.

I have a boyfriend now.  He is so sweet.  He holds me closer than I’ve ever been. He tells me the cheesiest things. (And that’s coming from me!)  His hand in mine is the only thing that holds me together some days.  His eyes are the most beautiful blue I’ve ever seen.

But what if this is just psychological projection.  What if I don’t actually feel what I feel for him.   It feels so real.  But there’s that voice in my head saying “but what if it’s not?”  I really care about him and I don’t know what I’d do without him at this point.

As I write this my hands become shaky, my heart begins to race, there is a rock sitting in my throat, I can feel the goosebumps on my arms and my stomach is turning.  She will see this soon they both will.  All the people I don’t want to see this will see this but they all deserve the truth.  And I know I will be more than embarrassed.  Because what I felt for her was real.  And what she felt for me just…was not.

I’m afraid of what they will think.  Will they talk about it?  What will they say?  Will they laugh?  I don’t really want to know.

I just don’t know how to feel at this point.  I probably will avoid people all day.  Except for my best friend.  Because I’m not afraid of saying the wrong thing to her.  Because she is the best and respects what I think even when she probably shouldn’t.

~Colorful Daydreamer