Here I am

I sit next to you

saying nothing

Can I tell you the truth?

Just not all of it

Here I am

I think of something to say

The moment quickly passes

along with my courage

So I just stay where I am

There are no words

Here I am

Sitting

Sitting in one place

Sitting perfectly still

Staring

Staring at nothing

Staring into space

Hoping

Hoping that you notice

Hoping that you do something

Afraid

Afraid of what would happen

Afraid of feeling guilty

Here I am

speechless…

Advertisements

I wonder

Do you know how much I care

Even though I just sit and stare?

As you wipe her lipstick off your face

Do you wish that mine would take its place?

Do you see me when you close your eyes

Even though she’s by your side?

As you see my name on your phone

Do you wish I would leave you alone?

Do you want me to hold you tight

Even though you think it’s not right?

As you start to fall asleep

Do you think about what we could be?

I wonder…

Best friend and Jealousy? (Quote response)

“You should leave him cause he really makes me sick” ~Just Sayin’ By Five Seconds Of Summer

My best friend has been dating my ex-boyfriend for quite some time now.  Yes, I agreed to this but only because I wanted her to realize that just because a person is better than your ex, does not mean they are perfect for you.  But it’s taking her a long time to realize this.

He does treat her well.  But he doesn’t know how to talk to people in a way that isn’t either very offensive or condescending.  I did write a blog post about him a few months ago.  He doesn’t realize that apologies are supposed to mean that you’ll try not to do what you’re apologizing for again and that apologies don’t just make it okay.

I remember her last boyfriend.  How he made her shut me out.  And I know it won’t happen again.  I’m still scared.  It’s difficult because I hate sharing her.  I’m not in love with her or anything but I know how sensitive she is.  And how easy she falls for things.

I wish she knew how difficult it is for me to spend time with them.  I wish she knew that my heart cracks when they kiss but then quickly comes back together when she flashes that same smile I’ve known for years.  I wish that she knew her boyfriend through my eyes.  I wish she knew what she deserves.

He doesn’t know how much she means to me.  He proves that almost every day.  He says that he loves her.  And that hurts too.  Because with every crush he has he tells them that he loves them.  I know that she means it and he might but there’s still a part of me thinking “but does he really?”

I won’t say she deserves me.  Because even I know that there are better people for her than me.  I hope that when she realizes that there are much better people out there than the ones that surround her she still chooses to drag me along to wherever she ends up.

I hope she knows that I love her very much.

~Colorful Daydreamer

 

Maybe Someday

Maybe someday

You’ll fall for my smile

as easy as I fell for yours

You’ll dream of my smile

as much as I dream of yours

Maybe someday

You’ll look me in the eyes

You’ll ask me to dance

You’ll let me hold your hand

Maybe some day

You’ll sing to all my favorite songs

as we dance around my room

You’ll whisper that you love me

as I fall asleep next to you

But until that day comes I’ll say

Maybe someday….

Kiss this!

“I, Did all I could, So kiss this one more time, ’cause I’m gone for good.” ~Kiss This By The Struts.

*IT’S ABOUT TIME I DO A STRUTS SONG!!!!! GOD, I LOVE THIS BAND!*

I tend to get rid of EVERYTHING as soon as a relationship is over.  I hate having anything left over.  But there are still photos living in my phone left over from when we took them.  I can’t get rid of them.  I like to look at them and feel nothing.  Could I actually be looking at them and feel nothing?

I remember the pointless apologies.  They didn’t mean anything not because the person didn’t mean them but because I didn’t want them.  What I wanted was to wake up from the nightmare that was those days.  Yet instead I woke up to an “I’m sorry…”  But they didn’t change anything.  It didn’t change the ache.

I like to look at the pictures and know that there is a huge chance we’ll never look at each other as friends.  And I like that.  I like knowing that we’ll go in completely different directions.  I like knowing that the fact that they burned my heart and walked on the ashes doesn’t just hurt me.  I like that they have to deal with the fact that they drove my soul into the ground.  I like to know in a few years we will me in different states and maybe even different countries.

Does that make me a terrible person?

It happened and it’s done.  I’m glad that seeing me tears them apart.  Because they tore me apart bit by bit.  So THEY have to deal with the fact that I’ll never see them like I did when we first met. Because my heart healed.  Time has passed.  Somebody said they still feel regret.  And I’m finally able to say “Who cares?” because yes, it sucks for them.  But maybe they’ve learned to do things differently.  I hope that they feel the slight sting because I KNOW that I felt it so much stronger for so much longer.

~Colorful Daydreamer

In loving memory…..

img_0154

This Wednesday the earth has lost the darling cat, Maxine.  Many people had different nicknames for her for my best friend it was “the fat one”.  My ex-girlfriend called her “bread cat”.  But everyone at home called her “Punkin”.

She was my little brother’s cat from day one.  (He’s the one holding her in the picture)

She never loved to be held but everyone loved to hold her.  Some people said it was like holding a panda bear.  But she would roll over and let you rub her stomach and run around

We (my mother and I) took her to the vets for worms.  She was her usual playful self.  Running around and rolling around on the floor letting the vet scratch her stomach.  I mean she was TOTALLY healthy. (except for the fact that she had worms)—Then they gave her the pill.  They had to give it to her in four pieces to make it easier for her.  This stressed her out so much.  Which is normal. What cat wants a pill shoved down their throat?  We put her back in her carrier and brought her home.  (Note: The carrier is a cardboard box with holes in it from the shelter.)  Since this was her first time to the vets since she was a kitten because she was only two years and 5 months old we didn’t think much of her being stressed. Plus we only live 15 minutes from the vet so we’d be home soon.

When we got home my mother took the carrier into the bathroom (where Maxine’s bed is).  She opened up the carrier and Maxine had passed.  So my mother went back to the vets with Maxine’s body.  They did an autopsy and found that her heart muscles were strained.  She had a heart attack…

My mother and I have been blaming ourselves for what had happened for the past few days.  We both wish we had realized how unhappy she was.  She cried on the way back. But she cried on the way there too when she stopped we thought she just wore herself out.

She will be missed by all of us including other pets.


A small thank you to all the people who have given me little things and boxes of things and hugs.  I appreciate all the sympathy I’ve received because of this.  And even though life hurts at the moment they have made it a little easier.

Thank you all so much!

img_0507