Only in my dreams

He is all I need

He is all I want to see

He is all I want to hear

The smile he flashes

The laugh we share

The way he smiles

His eyes like stars

His lips like honey

His voice like music

He is kind

He is everything

He is beautiful

He exists…

But only in my dreams

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Kiss this!

“I, Did all I could, So kiss this one more time, ’cause I’m gone for good.” ~Kiss This By The Struts.

*IT’S ABOUT TIME I DO A STRUTS SONG!!!!! GOD, I LOVE THIS BAND!*

I tend to get rid of EVERYTHING as soon as a relationship is over.  I hate having anything left over.  But there are still photos living in my phone left over from when we took them.  I can’t get rid of them.  I like to look at them and feel nothing.  Could I actually be looking at them and feel nothing?

I remember the pointless apologies.  They didn’t mean anything not because the person didn’t mean them but because I didn’t want them.  What I wanted was to wake up from the nightmare that was those days.  Yet instead I woke up to an “I’m sorry…”  But they didn’t change anything.  It didn’t change the ache.

I like to look at the pictures and know that there is a huge chance we’ll never look at each other as friends.  And I like that.  I like knowing that we’ll go in completely different directions.  I like knowing that the fact that they burned my heart and walked on the ashes doesn’t just hurt me.  I like that they have to deal with the fact that they drove my soul into the ground.  I like to know in a few years we will me in different states and maybe even different countries.

Does that make me a terrible person?

It happened and it’s done.  I’m glad that seeing me tears them apart.  Because they tore me apart bit by bit.  So THEY have to deal with the fact that I’ll never see them like I did when we first met. Because my heart healed.  Time has passed.  Somebody said they still feel regret.  And I’m finally able to say “Who cares?” because yes, it sucks for them.  But maybe they’ve learned to do things differently.  I hope that they feel the slight sting because I KNOW that I felt it so much stronger for so much longer.

~Colorful Daydreamer

In loving memory…..

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This Wednesday the earth has lost the darling cat, Maxine.  Many people had different nicknames for her for my best friend it was “the fat one”.  My ex-girlfriend called her “bread cat”.  But everyone at home called her “Punkin”.

She was my little brother’s cat from day one.  (He’s the one holding her in the picture)

She never loved to be held but everyone loved to hold her.  Some people said it was like holding a panda bear.  But she would roll over and let you rub her stomach and run around

We (my mother and I) took her to the vets for worms.  She was her usual playful self.  Running around and rolling around on the floor letting the vet scratch her stomach.  I mean she was TOTALLY healthy. (except for the fact that she had worms)—Then they gave her the pill.  They had to give it to her in four pieces to make it easier for her.  This stressed her out so much.  Which is normal. What cat wants a pill shoved down their throat?  We put her back in her carrier and brought her home.  (Note: The carrier is a cardboard box with holes in it from the shelter.)  Since this was her first time to the vets since she was a kitten because she was only two years and 5 months old we didn’t think much of her being stressed. Plus we only live 15 minutes from the vet so we’d be home soon.

When we got home my mother took the carrier into the bathroom (where Maxine’s bed is).  She opened up the carrier and Maxine had passed.  So my mother went back to the vets with Maxine’s body.  They did an autopsy and found that her heart muscles were strained.  She had a heart attack…

My mother and I have been blaming ourselves for what had happened for the past few days.  We both wish we had realized how unhappy she was.  She cried on the way back. But she cried on the way there too when she stopped we thought she just wore herself out.

She will be missed by all of us including other pets.


A small thank you to all the people who have given me little things and boxes of things and hugs.  I appreciate all the sympathy I’ve received because of this.  And even though life hurts at the moment they have made it a little easier.

Thank you all so much!

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Your apologies are meaningless along with your promises…

You hurt me

“I’m sorry it won’t happen again”

and I fell for it

but the next time around

you say it again

“I’m sorry it won’t happen again”

“I promise”

Do you realize what you said?

Do you realize how you said it?

“I’m sorry it won’t happen again”

Why are we running in circles?

Why do you treat people like this?

Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.

Don’t tell me you’re sorry.

Don’t make promises

Don’t say anything

Because your apologies are meaningless

along with your promises…

~Colorful Daydreamer

Beautiful Like You

“And I wish that you could feel it. But you don’t choose to believe it cause I know that you can’t see it that way.”~Beautiful Like You by Lee DeWyze

More often times than not when I call someone beautiful they disagree and then point out all their flaws or things that they don’t like about themselves.

I never said that you’re flawless or that you don’t have insecurities.  I said you were beautiful.  When I tell you that you are beautiful I hope you know that I admire you not only for the things that I think are absolutely perfect about you but I also say it because I know about your flaws.  I have flaws too…Believe me.    

I wish you could look into the mirror and see all the great things that I see when I look at you.  Even if it’s for a few seconds.  I wish that you could believe me when I say “You’re beautiful”.  I really do think so.  I wish I could convince you.  But I know I’ll probably never be able to.  I wish I could show you how amazing you are to me because I know the mirror whispers awful things into your ears.

Stop negatively categorizing yourself or putting a label on what you see because I what I see is you and you are beautiful.

So if I could scream all of this to you I would.  But I can’t so here I am telling the world that I think you are beautiful and leaving them to ask the question “who is this about?”  It’s about you……..

~Colorful Daydreamer

 

Appreciated

“Cause it’s you, who, takes care of everyone else. You, need to allow me to help, you Ohh, appreciated-Cause it’s you who somehow is always the first, to, take care of me at my worst. You are appreciated”~Appreciated by Rixton

I know to think that you  aren’t.  I know you think that people don’t care about you.  But people do…do.  I can’t even express it.  I hope you know that you are much more than a face in the crowd or an acquaintance.  You are someone who I’ve been lucky enough to get to know.

I know that people always go to you for help.  And you always help because you care.  You can always see when other people are upset.  You always lend your hand even if both of them are tied.  And yet when your smile is a shield and, your laugh is a scream people don’t notice.  But I’ll be here. As long as you want.

I know that I’m an awkward person that never knows what to say.  But I want you to know that there is so much you do for people.

Thank you.  Who knows where we’d be if we didn’t know of each other’s existence.  I can’t believe how understanding you are.  When I do something stupid you laugh.  When I say something crazy you respond as if it’s totally normal.

I know that I’m crazy cheesy.  But I hope the words you read from me help with the pain of your hardest days.  I know how difficult it is to ask for help from someone or to talk to somebody.  But you are never a bother.  I always want to talk and I don’t care what it is we talk about.

I know how much you wish you could catch everybody as they fall.  I know that you stretch yourself so far.

I hope you know how much you are worth.  Even if it’s just for a few little moments.

~Colorful Daydreamer