Why

Why do you ask if I’m okay?

I’m just going to say that I am

though my heart is slowly breaking

Why do I avoid you?

“I’m busy that day” when I have no plans

I don’t respond to your messages “I was busy then too”

Why does seeing you hurt?

You’re practically my sibling

Yet sometimes when I need you most I don’t want to talk.

Why can’t you see?

You might be slowly losing me

-Colorful Daydreamer

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They can’t know

This is my house

Has been for years

The house on the lake

Where there shouldn’t be fears

Yes we have good times but they can’t know about the other times
They can’t know

That the other one’s home

The one that’s welcoming and filled with laughter

The one where I ACTUALLY feel cared for
And they can’t know

What happens at night

The nightmares that wake me up

The tears that hurt my eyes the panic attacks that make even my soul shake

If I said anything to him he’d only blame himself
And they can’t know

Because they’d get upset

Because I’m overreacting

Because I “seem fine all day”
And they can’t know
I only come to see him

I find myself getting weaker when we are all spending time together

I go to my room to escape them

This is my house

Has been for years

The house on the lake

Where there shouldn’t be fears

Yes we have good times but they can’t know about the other times

And they can’t know that I’m writing this right now
-Colorful Daydreamer

Here I am

I sit next to you

saying nothing

Can I tell you the truth?

Just not all of it

Here I am

I think of something to say

The moment quickly passes

along with my courage

So I just stay where I am

There are no words

Here I am

Sitting

Sitting in one place

Sitting perfectly still

Staring

Staring at nothing

Staring into space

Hoping

Hoping that you notice

Hoping that you do something

Afraid

Afraid of what would happen

Afraid of feeling guilty

Here I am

speechless…

Quote response?(Somebody Else)

I’m responding to the song “Somebody Else” by The 1975 as a quote today.

I think this song is so great.  Definitely one of my newest songs I play on repeat ALL THE TIME! This song is one of many on a private playlist I made.

I think that everyone can relate to this song.  Especially if somebody broke up with you for someone else.  Because you don’t want them back but it hurts so badly to see them with that person.  Even if you don’t have the same feelings for that person that you once did.

I’ve been dealing with a ton of anxiety over the past few weeks because of my most recent breakup.  Mostly because of how much I regret.  But most of all because I’m supposed to be happy.  Because we both have somebody else.  And she is happy.

I am happy.  There are so many things that are going on in my life that I’m thankful and excited for.

I have a boyfriend now.  He is so sweet.  He holds me closer than I’ve ever been. He tells me the cheesiest things. (And that’s coming from me!)  His hand in mine is the only thing that holds me together some days.  His eyes are the most beautiful blue I’ve ever seen.

But what if this is just psychological projection.  What if I don’t actually feel what I feel for him.   It feels so real.  But there’s that voice in my head saying “but what if it’s not?”  I really care about him and I don’t know what I’d do without him at this point.

As I write this my hands become shaky, my heart begins to race, there is a rock sitting in my throat, I can feel the goosebumps on my arms and my stomach is turning.  She will see this soon they both will.  All the people I don’t want to see this will see this but they all deserve the truth.  And I know I will be more than embarrassed.  Because what I felt for her was real.  And what she felt for me just…was not.

I’m afraid of what they will think.  Will they talk about it?  What will they say?  Will they laugh?  I don’t really want to know.

I just don’t know how to feel at this point.  I probably will avoid people all day.  Except for my best friend.  Because I’m not afraid of saying the wrong thing to her.  Because she is the best and respects what I think even when she probably shouldn’t.

~Colorful Daydreamer