She’s happy. I’m happy. That’s how it works. Or that’s how it’s supposed to….
“Hey since we are friends…
…I still have feelings for you…
…I’ve really missed you”
“if he doesn’t admit to it
he can be single”
I guess can doesn’t mean will.
Yet, here lies my problem. I can’t say anything. Because then it would be my fault if anything happened. And we’ve been down this road. Our friends like him. I mean sure he can be mean but why can’t I be as forgiving as them? Why do I keep drawing lines?
I say nothing. I sit with earbuds in. This isn’t the first time. Remember “Here I am”? Remember my last post? I’ve written about him too. Remember “Your apologies are meaningless along with your promises”?
I’ve been taking the long way to get places so we don’t cross paths. I act like I don’t hear or see her. “Maybe she won’t notice me if I act like I don’t notice her.” “Maybe she’ll give up if I ignore her.”
I barely said two words to her in the past week. I’ve tried to avoid conversations at all cost. The only time that I have felt okay to talk was this past weekend where I was too wrapped up in other stress to even think about talking about what is going on.
What is going on? really.. Just a bit of stress that I’ll get over? Or is it a grudge that I’m holding for too long? Maybe it’s both.
I didn’t sit next to her today if I weren’t so close she wouldn’t have realized that we were in the same place. It took her minutes for her to see me. When I went to leave of course she offered me things. But I don’t need anything. If she made me anything I would probably crumble in guilt.
I’ve been giving her short answers that are only a few letters or words. Usually, we see each other before lunch but now I make plans to be elsewhere.
I keep telling myself that it’ll blow over like it always does. But has it ever really blown over? I guess I might just get to a point where I can push it away.
My artwork has been showing my feelings. Using quotes from the sad songs we listen to and displaying them with symbols of us. I use color to stand for the happiness I paint on and the picture to express how I really feel. If the picture has no color it just means that I didn’t act to feel like I was in a different mood.
I wish things could be easier. I wish I wasn’t so worried about our friendship. Maybe that would make it easier to talk to her.
I haven’t lied to her before. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to say “I’m okay” when I’m really not. I want to tell her what’s wrong. In fact, I want to scream it until tears are running down our faces. I want to run and throw herself into her as if she would absorb my feelings and understand. But she may never understand…