Boys like him

Who make sure you sleep well

Who prove each and every day

That you are dear to them

Who always hold you when you cry

How lucky am I?

To have a boy like him.

He reads me the words I love most

Poetry that reminds him of us

He envisions a future

One I would love to share with him

How lucky could anyone be?

To have a boy like him

From the warm coffee and hug in the morning

To the sweet kiss goodbye at the end of the day

From the “Good morning love”

To the “Sweet dreams only”

I feel so full of love

I’m so lucky

Because there’s no boys like him

 

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Crazy

I sit alone in my room to thinking about everything.  I recently left her.  Something I promised her and myself that I wouldn’t do.

But since I’ve left weird things have been happening. Her ex-boyfriend has been talking to me.  The absolute last person that I really want to talk to. Well second to last.

He thinks I’ve forgiven him.  And that things are 100% between us.  Truth is that they will never be.  Because I haven’t forgiven him.

He tells me things that I don’t want to hear.  Like the fact that she’s pissed at me.  And the fact that he still loves her.  He tells me about all the times drugs have made him scream her name.

He talks about the awful bus rides.  Where she talks about her current boyfriend.  He tells me about how awful he feels.  He talks about missing her and needing her.  He says stuff about how he understands how I must feel.  But the truth is he doesn’t…

I just hope that she never goes back to him… Because I couldn’t watch what she did to herself then and I couldn’t imagine now.

I left because when she and her ex-were still together I made mistakes due to how I felt.  I left because I love her more than she loves me…too much more. And she has proved that…

For the past 5 months, I’ve noticed that the mention of her boyfriend’s name was sickening.  I felt myself not wanting her around because she’d talk about him.  But of course, I felt guilty for not being supportive.

So when the knots in my chest tightened and my head would spin just looking at her I had to go.

I felt really bad at first but I regret it less and less.  The more I hear about what she tells other people the more I think that staying was a bad idea. I’m more upset about giving up on the future than I am about leaving what we had.

She asked if there was a chance that we could be friends if she and her boyfriend are dating.  I never answered because I was scared of her response.

But the answer is no.  And that’s why I left because I didn’t want to impact their relationship.  I was done with giving her my opinions on the matters because I felt they were ignored or told to the wrong people.  The words I told her in confidence went in and out of the mouths and ears of her friends.

I’ve tried talking to her.  I’ve tried to make things right.  I’ve tried to put things back.  But I can’t.  He his still an issue for me.  I said I wasn’t mad but maybe I am.

Then people have said that he has been so annoying to everybody since I’ve left.  DOES HE NOT KNOW THAT I LEFT FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS RELATIONSHIP? He should be GRATEFUL that I left.  And you know what? I bet he is.  I wonder if he even knows that he’s the reason I left.  I wonder if he knows any of the reasons.  Probably not.  He probably doesn’t even care.

I know that I won’t be gone forever but for now, this is the road I have to take.

~Colorful Daydreamer

D i s t a n c e

She’s happy.  I’m happy.  That’s how it works.  Or that’s how it’s supposed to….

He says,

“Hey since we are friends…

…I still have feelings for you…

…I’ve really missed you”

She knows…

She says,

“if he doesn’t admit to it

he can be single”

I guess can doesn’t mean will.

Yet, here lies my problem.  I can’t say anything.  Because then it would be my fault if anything happened.  And we’ve been down this road.  Our friends like him.  I mean sure he can be mean but why can’t I be as forgiving as them?  Why do I keep drawing lines?

I say nothing.  I sit with earbuds in.  This isn’t the first time.  Remember “Here I am”? Remember my last post?  I’ve written about him too.  Remember “Your apologies are meaningless along with your promises”?

I’ve been taking the long way to get places so we don’t cross paths.  I act like I don’t hear or see her.  “Maybe she won’t notice me if I act like I don’t notice her.” “Maybe she’ll give up if I ignore her.”

I barely said two words to her in the past week.  I’ve tried to avoid conversations at all cost.  The only time that I have felt okay to talk was this past weekend where I was too wrapped up in other stress to even think about talking about what is going on.

What is going on? really.. Just a bit of stress that I’ll get over?  Or is it a grudge that I’m holding for too long? Maybe it’s both.

I didn’t sit next to her today if I weren’t so close she wouldn’t have realized that we were in the same place.  It took her minutes for her to see me.  When I went to leave of course she offered me things.  But I don’t need anything.  If she made me anything I would probably crumble in guilt.

I’ve been giving her short answers that are only a few letters or words.  Usually, we see each other before lunch but now I make plans to be elsewhere.

I keep telling myself that it’ll blow over like it always does.  But has it ever really blown over? I guess I might just get to a point where I can push it away.

My artwork has been showing my feelings.  Using quotes from the sad songs we listen to and displaying them with symbols of us.  I use color to stand for the happiness I paint on and the picture to express how I really feel.  If the picture has no color it just means that I didn’t act to feel like I was in a different mood.

I wish things could be easier.  I wish I wasn’t so worried about our friendship.  Maybe that would make it easier to talk to her.

I haven’t lied to her before.  And I don’t want to.  I don’t want to say “I’m okay” when I’m really not.  I want to tell her what’s wrong.  In fact, I want to scream it until tears are running down our faces.  I want to run and throw herself into her as if she would absorb my feelings and understand.  But she may never understand…

~Colorful Daydreamer

Password hint: tags

Here I am

I sit next to you

saying nothing

Can I tell you the truth?

Just not all of it

Here I am

I think of something to say

The moment quickly passes

along with my courage

So I just stay where I am

There are no words

Here I am

Sitting

Sitting in one place

Sitting perfectly still

Staring

Staring at nothing

Staring into space

Hoping

Hoping that you notice

Hoping that you do something

Afraid

Afraid of what would happen

Afraid of feeling guilty

Here I am

speechless…

I wonder

Do you know how much I care

Even though I just sit and stare?

As you wipe her lipstick off your face

Do you wish that mine would take its place?

Do you see me when you close your eyes

Even though she’s by your side?

As you see my name on your phone

Do you wish I would leave you alone?

Do you want me to hold you tight

Even though you think it’s not right?

As you start to fall asleep

Do you think about what we could be?

I wonder…

Maybe Someday

Maybe someday

You’ll fall for my smile

as easy as I fell for yours

You’ll dream of my smile

as much as I dream of yours

Maybe someday

You’ll look me in the eyes

You’ll ask me to dance

You’ll let me hold your hand

Maybe some day

You’ll sing to all my favorite songs

as we dance around my room

You’ll whisper that you love me

as I fall asleep next to you

But until that day comes I’ll say

Maybe someday….