D i s t a n c e

She’s happy.  I’m happy.  That’s how it works.  Or that’s how it’s supposed to….

He says,

“Hey since we are friends…

…I still have feelings for you…

…I’ve really missed you”

She knows…

She says,

“if he doesn’t admit to it

he can be single”

I guess can doesn’t mean will.

Yet, here lies my problem.  I can’t say anything.  Because then it would be my fault if anything happened.  And we’ve been down this road.  Our friends like him.  I mean sure he can be mean but why can’t I be as forgiving as them?  Why do I keep drawing lines?

I say nothing.  I sit with earbuds in.  This isn’t the first time.  Remember “Here I am”? Remember my last post?  I’ve written about him too.  Remember “Your apologies are meaningless along with your promises”?

I’ve been taking the long way to get places so we don’t cross paths.  I act like I don’t hear or see her.  “Maybe she won’t notice me if I act like I don’t notice her.” “Maybe she’ll give up if I ignore her.”

I barely said two words to her in the past week.  I’ve tried to avoid conversations at all cost.  The only time that I have felt okay to talk was this past weekend where I was too wrapped up in other stress to even think about talking about what is going on.

What is going on? really.. Just a bit of stress that I’ll get over?  Or is it a grudge that I’m holding for too long? Maybe it’s both.

I didn’t sit next to her today if I weren’t so close she wouldn’t have realized that we were in the same place.  It took her minutes for her to see me.  When I went to leave of course she offered me things.  But I don’t need anything.  If she made me anything I would probably crumble in guilt.

I’ve been giving her short answers that are only a few letters or words.  Usually, we see each other before lunch but now I make plans to be elsewhere.

I keep telling myself that it’ll blow over like it always does.  But has it ever really blown over? I guess I might just get to a point where I can push it away.

My artwork has been showing my feelings.  Using quotes from the sad songs we listen to and displaying them with symbols of us.  I use color to stand for the happiness I paint on and the picture to express how I really feel.  If the picture has no color it just means that I didn’t act to feel like I was in a different mood.

I wish things could be easier.  I wish I wasn’t so worried about our friendship.  Maybe that would make it easier to talk to her.

I haven’t lied to her before.  And I don’t want to.  I don’t want to say “I’m okay” when I’m really not.  I want to tell her what’s wrong.  In fact, I want to scream it until tears are running down our faces.  I want to run and throw herself into her as if she would absorb my feelings and understand.  But she may never understand…

~Colorful Daydreamer

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Here I am

I sit next to you

saying nothing

Can I tell you the truth?

Just not all of it

Here I am

I think of something to say

The moment quickly passes

along with my courage

So I just stay where I am

There are no words

Here I am

Sitting

Sitting in one place

Sitting perfectly still

Staring

Staring at nothing

Staring into space

Hoping

Hoping that you notice

Hoping that you do something

Afraid

Afraid of what would happen

Afraid of feeling guilty

Here I am

speechless…

I wonder

Do you know how much I care

Even though I just sit and stare?

As you wipe her lipstick off your face

Do you wish that mine would take its place?

Do you see me when you close your eyes

Even though she’s by your side?

As you see my name on your phone

Do you wish I would leave you alone?

Do you want me to hold you tight

Even though you think it’s not right?

As you start to fall asleep

Do you think about what we could be?

I wonder…

Maybe Someday

Maybe someday

You’ll fall for my smile

as easy as I fell for yours

You’ll dream of my smile

as much as I dream of yours

Maybe someday

You’ll look me in the eyes

You’ll ask me to dance

You’ll let me hold your hand

Maybe some day

You’ll sing to all my favorite songs

as we dance around my room

You’ll whisper that you love me

as I fall asleep next to you

But until that day comes I’ll say

Maybe someday….

Kiss this!

“I, Did all I could, So kiss this one more time, ’cause I’m gone for good.” ~Kiss This By The Struts.

*IT’S ABOUT TIME I DO A STRUTS SONG!!!!! GOD, I LOVE THIS BAND!*

I tend to get rid of EVERYTHING as soon as a relationship is over.  I hate having anything left over.  But there are still photos living in my phone left over from when we took them.  I can’t get rid of them.  I like to look at them and feel nothing.  Could I actually be looking at them and feel nothing?

I remember the pointless apologies.  They didn’t mean anything not because the person didn’t mean them but because I didn’t want them.  What I wanted was to wake up from the nightmare that was those days.  Yet instead I woke up to an “I’m sorry…”  But they didn’t change anything.  It didn’t change the ache.

I like to look at the pictures and know that there is a huge chance we’ll never look at each other as friends.  And I like that.  I like knowing that we’ll go in completely different directions.  I like knowing that the fact that they burned my heart and walked on the ashes doesn’t just hurt me.  I like that they have to deal with the fact that they drove my soul into the ground.  I like to know in a few years we will me in different states and maybe even different countries.

Does that make me a terrible person?

It happened and it’s done.  I’m glad that seeing me tears them apart.  Because they tore me apart bit by bit.  So THEY have to deal with the fact that I’ll never see them like I did when we first met. Because my heart healed.  Time has passed.  Somebody said they still feel regret.  And I’m finally able to say “Who cares?” because yes, it sucks for them.  But maybe they’ve learned to do things differently.  I hope that they feel the slight sting because I KNOW that I felt it so much stronger for so much longer.

~Colorful Daydreamer

In loving memory…..

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This Wednesday the earth has lost the darling cat, Maxine.  Many people had different nicknames for her for my best friend it was “the fat one”.  My ex-girlfriend called her “bread cat”.  But everyone at home called her “Punkin”.

She was my little brother’s cat from day one.  (He’s the one holding her in the picture)

She never loved to be held but everyone loved to hold her.  Some people said it was like holding a panda bear.  But she would roll over and let you rub her stomach and run around

We (my mother and I) took her to the vets for worms.  She was her usual playful self.  Running around and rolling around on the floor letting the vet scratch her stomach.  I mean she was TOTALLY healthy. (except for the fact that she had worms)—Then they gave her the pill.  They had to give it to her in four pieces to make it easier for her.  This stressed her out so much.  Which is normal. What cat wants a pill shoved down their throat?  We put her back in her carrier and brought her home.  (Note: The carrier is a cardboard box with holes in it from the shelter.)  Since this was her first time to the vets since she was a kitten because she was only two years and 5 months old we didn’t think much of her being stressed. Plus we only live 15 minutes from the vet so we’d be home soon.

When we got home my mother took the carrier into the bathroom (where Maxine’s bed is).  She opened up the carrier and Maxine had passed.  So my mother went back to the vets with Maxine’s body.  They did an autopsy and found that her heart muscles were strained.  She had a heart attack…

My mother and I have been blaming ourselves for what had happened for the past few days.  We both wish we had realized how unhappy she was.  She cried on the way back. But she cried on the way there too when she stopped we thought she just wore herself out.

She will be missed by all of us including other pets.


A small thank you to all the people who have given me little things and boxes of things and hugs.  I appreciate all the sympathy I’ve received because of this.  And even though life hurts at the moment they have made it a little easier.

Thank you all so much!

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