Boys like him

Who make sure you sleep well

Who prove each and every day

That you are dear to them

Who always hold you when you cry

How lucky am I?

To have a boy like him.

He reads me the words I love most

Poetry that reminds him of us

He envisions a future

One I would love to share with him

How lucky could anyone be?

To have a boy like him

From the warm coffee and hug in the morning

To the sweet kiss goodbye at the end of the day

From the “Good morning love”

To the “Sweet dreams only”

I feel so full of love

I’m so lucky

Because there’s no boys like him

 

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Crazy

I sit alone in my room to thinking about everything.  I recently left her.  Something I promised her and myself that I wouldn’t do.

But since I’ve left weird things have been happening. Her ex-boyfriend has been talking to me.  The absolute last person that I really want to talk to. Well second to last.

He thinks I’ve forgiven him.  And that things are 100% between us.  Truth is that they will never be.  Because I haven’t forgiven him.

He tells me things that I don’t want to hear.  Like the fact that she’s pissed at me.  And the fact that he still loves her.  He tells me about all the times drugs have made him scream her name.

He talks about the awful bus rides.  Where she talks about her current boyfriend.  He tells me about how awful he feels.  He talks about missing her and needing her.  He says stuff about how he understands how I must feel.  But the truth is he doesn’t…

I just hope that she never goes back to him… Because I couldn’t watch what she did to herself then and I couldn’t imagine now.

I left because when she and her ex-were still together I made mistakes due to how I felt.  I left because I love her more than she loves me…too much more. And she has proved that…

For the past 5 months, I’ve noticed that the mention of her boyfriend’s name was sickening.  I felt myself not wanting her around because she’d talk about him.  But of course, I felt guilty for not being supportive.

So when the knots in my chest tightened and my head would spin just looking at her I had to go.

I felt really bad at first but I regret it less and less.  The more I hear about what she tells other people the more I think that staying was a bad idea. I’m more upset about giving up on the future than I am about leaving what we had.

She asked if there was a chance that we could be friends if she and her boyfriend are dating.  I never answered because I was scared of her response.

But the answer is no.  And that’s why I left because I didn’t want to impact their relationship.  I was done with giving her my opinions on the matters because I felt they were ignored or told to the wrong people.  The words I told her in confidence went in and out of the mouths and ears of her friends.

I’ve tried talking to her.  I’ve tried to make things right.  I’ve tried to put things back.  But I can’t.  He his still an issue for me.  I said I wasn’t mad but maybe I am.

Then people have said that he has been so annoying to everybody since I’ve left.  DOES HE NOT KNOW THAT I LEFT FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS RELATIONSHIP? He should be GRATEFUL that I left.  And you know what? I bet he is.  I wonder if he even knows that he’s the reason I left.  I wonder if he knows any of the reasons.  Probably not.  He probably doesn’t even care.

I know that I won’t be gone forever but for now, this is the road I have to take.

~Colorful Daydreamer

Here I am

I sit next to you

saying nothing

Can I tell you the truth?

Just not all of it

Here I am

I think of something to say

The moment quickly passes

along with my courage

So I just stay where I am

There are no words

Here I am

Sitting

Sitting in one place

Sitting perfectly still

Staring

Staring at nothing

Staring into space

Hoping

Hoping that you notice

Hoping that you do something

Afraid

Afraid of what would happen

Afraid of feeling guilty

Here I am

speechless…

I wonder

Do you know how much I care

Even though I just sit and stare?

As you wipe her lipstick off your face

Do you wish that mine would take its place?

Do you see me when you close your eyes

Even though she’s by your side?

As you see my name on your phone

Do you wish I would leave you alone?

Do you want me to hold you tight

Even though you think it’s not right?

As you start to fall asleep

Do you think about what we could be?

I wonder…

Best friend and Jealousy? (Quote response)

“You should leave him cause he really makes me sick” ~Just Sayin’ By Five Seconds Of Summer

My best friend has been dating my ex-boyfriend for quite some time now.  Yes, I agreed to this but only because I wanted her to realize that just because a person is better than your ex, does not mean they are perfect for you.  But it’s taking her a long time to realize this.

He does treat her well.  But he doesn’t know how to talk to people in a way that isn’t either very offensive or condescending.  I did write a blog post about him a few months ago.  He doesn’t realize that apologies are supposed to mean that you’ll try not to do what you’re apologizing for again and that apologies don’t just make it okay.

I remember her last boyfriend.  How he made her shut me out.  And I know it won’t happen again.  I’m still scared.  It’s difficult because I hate sharing her.  I’m not in love with her or anything but I know how sensitive she is.  And how easy she falls for things.

I wish she knew how difficult it is for me to spend time with them.  I wish she knew that my heart cracks when they kiss but then quickly comes back together when she flashes that same smile I’ve known for years.  I wish that she knew her boyfriend through my eyes.  I wish she knew what she deserves.

He doesn’t know how much she means to me.  He proves that almost every day.  He says that he loves her.  And that hurts too.  Because with every crush he has he tells them that he loves them.  I know that she means it and he might but there’s still a part of me thinking “but does he really?”

I won’t say she deserves me.  Because even I know that there are better people for her than me.  I hope that when she realizes that there are much better people out there than the ones that surround her she still chooses to drag me along to wherever she ends up.

I hope she knows that I love her very much.

~Colorful Daydreamer

 

Maybe Someday

Maybe someday

You’ll fall for my smile

as easy as I fell for yours

You’ll dream of my smile

as much as I dream of yours

Maybe someday

You’ll look me in the eyes

You’ll ask me to dance

You’ll let me hold your hand

Maybe some day

You’ll sing to all my favorite songs

as we dance around my room

You’ll whisper that you love me

as I fall asleep next to you

But until that day comes I’ll say

Maybe someday….

Kiss this!

“I, Did all I could, So kiss this one more time, ’cause I’m gone for good.” ~Kiss This By The Struts.

*IT’S ABOUT TIME I DO A STRUTS SONG!!!!! GOD, I LOVE THIS BAND!*

I tend to get rid of EVERYTHING as soon as a relationship is over.  I hate having anything left over.  But there are still photos living in my phone left over from when we took them.  I can’t get rid of them.  I like to look at them and feel nothing.  Could I actually be looking at them and feel nothing?

I remember the pointless apologies.  They didn’t mean anything not because the person didn’t mean them but because I didn’t want them.  What I wanted was to wake up from the nightmare that was those days.  Yet instead I woke up to an “I’m sorry…”  But they didn’t change anything.  It didn’t change the ache.

I like to look at the pictures and know that there is a huge chance we’ll never look at each other as friends.  And I like that.  I like knowing that we’ll go in completely different directions.  I like knowing that the fact that they burned my heart and walked on the ashes doesn’t just hurt me.  I like that they have to deal with the fact that they drove my soul into the ground.  I like to know in a few years we will me in different states and maybe even different countries.

Does that make me a terrible person?

It happened and it’s done.  I’m glad that seeing me tears them apart.  Because they tore me apart bit by bit.  So THEY have to deal with the fact that I’ll never see them like I did when we first met. Because my heart healed.  Time has passed.  Somebody said they still feel regret.  And I’m finally able to say “Who cares?” because yes, it sucks for them.  But maybe they’ve learned to do things differently.  I hope that they feel the slight sting because I KNOW that I felt it so much stronger for so much longer.

~Colorful Daydreamer