D i s t a n c e

She’s happy.  I’m happy.  That’s how it works.  Or that’s how it’s supposed to….

He says,

“Hey since we are friends…

…I still have feelings for you…

…I’ve really missed you”

She knows…

She says,

“if he doesn’t admit to it

he can be single”

I guess can doesn’t mean will.

Yet, here lies my problem.  I can’t say anything.  Because then it would be my fault if anything happened.  And we’ve been down this road.  Our friends like him.  I mean sure he can be mean but why can’t I be as forgiving as them?  Why do I keep drawing lines?

I say nothing.  I sit with earbuds in.  This isn’t the first time.  Remember “Here I am”? Remember my last post?  I’ve written about him too.  Remember “Your apologies are meaningless along with your promises”?

I’ve been taking the long way to get places so we don’t cross paths.  I act like I don’t hear or see her.  “Maybe she won’t notice me if I act like I don’t notice her.” “Maybe she’ll give up if I ignore her.”

I barely said two words to her in the past week.  I’ve tried to avoid conversations at all cost.  The only time that I have felt okay to talk was this past weekend where I was too wrapped up in other stress to even think about talking about what is going on.

What is going on? really.. Just a bit of stress that I’ll get over?  Or is it a grudge that I’m holding for too long? Maybe it’s both.

I didn’t sit next to her today if I weren’t so close she wouldn’t have realized that we were in the same place.  It took her minutes for her to see me.  When I went to leave of course she offered me things.  But I don’t need anything.  If she made me anything I would probably crumble in guilt.

I’ve been giving her short answers that are only a few letters or words.  Usually, we see each other before lunch but now I make plans to be elsewhere.

I keep telling myself that it’ll blow over like it always does.  But has it ever really blown over? I guess I might just get to a point where I can push it away.

My artwork has been showing my feelings.  Using quotes from the sad songs we listen to and displaying them with symbols of us.  I use color to stand for the happiness I paint on and the picture to express how I really feel.  If the picture has no color it just means that I didn’t act to feel like I was in a different mood.

I wish things could be easier.  I wish I wasn’t so worried about our friendship.  Maybe that would make it easier to talk to her.

I haven’t lied to her before.  And I don’t want to.  I don’t want to say “I’m okay” when I’m really not.  I want to tell her what’s wrong.  In fact, I want to scream it until tears are running down our faces.  I want to run and throw herself into her as if she would absorb my feelings and understand.  But she may never understand…

~Colorful Daydreamer

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Here I am

I sit next to you

saying nothing

Can I tell you the truth?

Just not all of it

Here I am

I think of something to say

The moment quickly passes

along with my courage

So I just stay where I am

There are no words

Here I am

Sitting

Sitting in one place

Sitting perfectly still

Staring

Staring at nothing

Staring into space

Hoping

Hoping that you notice

Hoping that you do something

Afraid

Afraid of what would happen

Afraid of feeling guilty

Here I am

speechless…

I wonder

Do you know how much I care

Even though I just sit and stare?

As you wipe her lipstick off your face

Do you wish that mine would take its place?

Do you see me when you close your eyes

Even though she’s by your side?

As you see my name on your phone

Do you wish I would leave you alone?

Do you want me to hold you tight

Even though you think it’s not right?

As you start to fall asleep

Do you think about what we could be?

I wonder…

Best friend and Jealousy? (Quote response)

“You should leave him cause he really makes me sick” ~Just Sayin’ By Five Seconds Of Summer

My best friend has been dating my ex-boyfriend for quite some time now.  Yes, I agreed to this but only because I wanted her to realize that just because a person is better than your ex, does not mean they are perfect for you.  But it’s taking her a long time to realize this.

He does treat her well.  But he doesn’t know how to talk to people in a way that isn’t either very offensive or condescending.  I did write a blog post about him a few months ago.  He doesn’t realize that apologies are supposed to mean that you’ll try not to do what you’re apologizing for again and that apologies don’t just make it okay.

I remember her last boyfriend.  How he made her shut me out.  And I know it won’t happen again.  I’m still scared.  It’s difficult because I hate sharing her.  I’m not in love with her or anything but I know how sensitive she is.  And how easy she falls for things.

I wish she knew how difficult it is for me to spend time with them.  I wish she knew that my heart cracks when they kiss but then quickly comes back together when she flashes that same smile I’ve known for years.  I wish that she knew her boyfriend through my eyes.  I wish she knew what she deserves.

He doesn’t know how much she means to me.  He proves that almost every day.  He says that he loves her.  And that hurts too.  Because with every crush he has he tells them that he loves them.  I know that she means it and he might but there’s still a part of me thinking “but does he really?”

I won’t say she deserves me.  Because even I know that there are better people for her than me.  I hope that when she realizes that there are much better people out there than the ones that surround her she still chooses to drag me along to wherever she ends up.

I hope she knows that I love her very much.

~Colorful Daydreamer

 

Maybe Someday

Maybe someday

You’ll fall for my smile

as easy as I fell for yours

You’ll dream of my smile

as much as I dream of yours

Maybe someday

You’ll look me in the eyes

You’ll ask me to dance

You’ll let me hold your hand

Maybe some day

You’ll sing to all my favorite songs

as we dance around my room

You’ll whisper that you love me

as I fall asleep next to you

But until that day comes I’ll say

Maybe someday….

Kiss this!

“I, Did all I could, So kiss this one more time, ’cause I’m gone for good.” ~Kiss This By The Struts.

*IT’S ABOUT TIME I DO A STRUTS SONG!!!!! GOD, I LOVE THIS BAND!*

I tend to get rid of EVERYTHING as soon as a relationship is over.  I hate having anything left over.  But there are still photos living in my phone left over from when we took them.  I can’t get rid of them.  I like to look at them and feel nothing.  Could I actually be looking at them and feel nothing?

I remember the pointless apologies.  They didn’t mean anything not because the person didn’t mean them but because I didn’t want them.  What I wanted was to wake up from the nightmare that was those days.  Yet instead I woke up to an “I’m sorry…”  But they didn’t change anything.  It didn’t change the ache.

I like to look at the pictures and know that there is a huge chance we’ll never look at each other as friends.  And I like that.  I like knowing that we’ll go in completely different directions.  I like knowing that the fact that they burned my heart and walked on the ashes doesn’t just hurt me.  I like that they have to deal with the fact that they drove my soul into the ground.  I like to know in a few years we will me in different states and maybe even different countries.

Does that make me a terrible person?

It happened and it’s done.  I’m glad that seeing me tears them apart.  Because they tore me apart bit by bit.  So THEY have to deal with the fact that I’ll never see them like I did when we first met. Because my heart healed.  Time has passed.  Somebody said they still feel regret.  And I’m finally able to say “Who cares?” because yes, it sucks for them.  But maybe they’ve learned to do things differently.  I hope that they feel the slight sting because I KNOW that I felt it so much stronger for so much longer.

~Colorful Daydreamer

Your apologies are meaningless along with your promises…

You hurt me

“I’m sorry it won’t happen again”

and I fell for it

but the next time around

you say it again

“I’m sorry it won’t happen again”

“I promise”

Do you realize what you said?

Do you realize how you said it?

“I’m sorry it won’t happen again”

Why are we running in circles?

Why do you treat people like this?

Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.

Don’t tell me you’re sorry.

Don’t make promises

Don’t say anything

Because your apologies are meaningless

along with your promises…

~Colorful Daydreamer